First things first. I still haven't figured out the technological aspects of blogging. I don't know how to link to other sites yet and I'm not sure how to list the blogs I'm reading. After I finish this post I have plans to get out there and send some comment love to everybody who has been stopping by and supporting me. I'm also going to see if I can find some nuts and bolts information so that I don't feel so computer illiterate. The funny thing is that I'm usually not this computer illiterate. I'm starting to wonder if my brain was just so addled last week that I missed some really obvious things. Oh - and for some reason my posts all show up with only one space after a period and its driving me BANANAS. Maybe its got something to do with the font.
Today was my first day back to work since finding out about my friend's pregnancy. It wasn't great but I managed not to cry in front of anyone. I think my brain has decided to deal with this by being really angry with her for filling our friendship and my work with so much tension. Let me make it clear that I know my anger is completely and horribly irrational. I'm pretty sure that I will get a grip on it in a few days. In the meantime I'm just going to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel and try to be an impartial observer of my own thoughts. "Observing non judgmentally" is a fancy little thing I've been working on with my therapist. I think I might even write her a letter. I think she understands that I've been avoiding her out of self preservation but I want to make sure. Deep deep down I am happy for her but its all twisted up with sadness and bitterness for poor little me. If I sit down and write I can untangle my feelings, have a good cry and only put the nice things down on paper.
God this sucks.
About the "glow." There is another teacher at my school who is infertile. She and her husband had their struggle many years ago and decided to live child-free. I haven't really talked to her much lately because she thinks IVF is unethical and I don't want to have to tell her that we are headed in that direction. Today she pulled me aside to ask how I was doing. Apparently she recognized the look in my eyes and remembered it from when she was going through all this. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I went through a little phase where I thought that skipping straight to adoption would be easier than taking a chance on failing infertility treatment. I started watching Adoption Stories and I could tell that the women who were adopting after infertility all had this funny look in their eyes like they were afraid to get too happy about anything.
I feel like its too early for me to have "the look." Medically speaking, I really haven't been through all that much. I've only done one piddly little IUI and I haven't even tried Clomid yet. I am well aware that we've had it easy so far. I guess I've got "the look" because I'm afraid that it might be years before we can even afford to start treatment. I'm such a pessimist that I won't even allow myself to think we've got a 50% chance of conceiving but I'm still just dying to start jabbing myself with needles every day. The faster we get through our three lifetime IVF's the faster this is over, whatever the outcome. At least that's how I feel right now.
Wow. This blog is really depressing. Sorry - and I promise it won't stay that way. I can already feel myself getting a little more positive and today I even did some laundry (yipee!) so these blues can't stick around much longer.