Monday, November 10, 2008

So If Infertility Has a "Glow," Apparently I've Got It...

First things first. I still haven't figured out the technological aspects of blogging. I don't know how to link to other sites yet and I'm not sure how to list the blogs I'm reading. After I finish this post I have plans to get out there and send some comment love to everybody who has been stopping by and supporting me. I'm also going to see if I can find some nuts and bolts information so that I don't feel so computer illiterate. The funny thing is that I'm usually not this computer illiterate. I'm starting to wonder if my brain was just so addled last week that I missed some really obvious things. Oh - and for some reason my posts all show up with only one space after a period and its driving me BANANAS. Maybe its got something to do with the font.

Today was my first day back to work since finding out about my friend's pregnancy. It wasn't great but I managed not to cry in front of anyone. I think my brain has decided to deal with this by being really angry with her for filling our friendship and my work with so much tension. Let me make it clear that I know my anger is completely and horribly irrational. I'm pretty sure that I will get a grip on it in a few days. In the meantime I'm just going to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel and try to be an impartial observer of my own thoughts. "Observing non judgmentally" is a fancy little thing I've been working on with my therapist. I think I might even write her a letter. I think she understands that I've been avoiding her out of self preservation but I want to make sure. Deep deep down I am happy for her but its all twisted up with sadness and bitterness for poor little me. If I sit down and write I can untangle my feelings, have a good cry and only put the nice things down on paper.

God this sucks.

About the "glow." There is another teacher at my school who is infertile. She and her husband had their struggle many years ago and decided to live child-free. I haven't really talked to her much lately because she thinks IVF is unethical and I don't want to have to tell her that we are headed in that direction. Today she pulled me aside to ask how I was doing. Apparently she recognized the look in my eyes and remembered it from when she was going through all this. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I went through a little phase where I thought that skipping straight to adoption would be easier than taking a chance on failing infertility treatment. I started watching Adoption Stories and I could tell that the women who were adopting after infertility all had this funny look in their eyes like they were afraid to get too happy about anything.

I feel like its too early for me to have "the look." Medically speaking, I really haven't been through all that much. I've only done one piddly little IUI and I haven't even tried Clomid yet. I am well aware that we've had it easy so far. I guess I've got "the look" because I'm afraid that it might be years before we can even afford to start treatment. I'm such a pessimist that I won't even allow myself to think we've got a 50% chance of conceiving but I'm still just dying to start jabbing myself with needles every day. The faster we get through our three lifetime IVF's the faster this is over, whatever the outcome. At least that's how I feel right now.

Wow. This blog is really depressing. Sorry - and I promise it won't stay that way. I can already feel myself getting a little more positive and today I even did some laundry (yipee!) so these blues can't stick around much longer.


Io said...

Don't worry about being depressing - I am constantly blathering on about how much each day is a horrible terrible no good very bad day. And yet, nobody has told me to shut the hell up yet.
To link to other blogs, look at teh top of the post when you are writing it. On the toolbar is a little green symbol that looks like an 8. Highlight what you want to be a link and hit the symbol. You enter the address of the website and it will hyperlink what you highlighted.
You'll figure out the blog stuff soon - (I'm still pretty basic, but mostly because I am too lazy to figure much out.)
I think it'll be nice to write a note to your friend. We all have those irrational and unfair emotions and it might be good to let her know that when you glare at her belly it's nothing she should take personally. But she'd also be warned not to blather on about her weight gain or something that might make you want to clobber her.
Oh! And welcome to the blogosphere. I came over from Lolly's Barren Advice. Don't worry - you'll make friends. These people are awesome.

Dora said...

Thanks for your comment on my recent post. I had dreadful luck, until I didn't. Hope is an amazing thing, but you can't will it to happen. Be gentle with yourself. A good cry and a bunch of chocolate never hurt anyone.

BTW, regarding one space after a sentence. The 2 space style is actually antiquated. Something they taught in typing class and secretarial school. You never see it in print and hardly ever in business writing anymore. Took me a little while to get used to not hitting the spacebar twice, but now it's second nature.

Sara said...

Hullo! Hopped over from Stirrup queens. I haven't had guts to talk about IF on my blog yet, so I have to commend you for that. Don't feel guilty about not being knee-deep in IUIs and vials of sperm. I'm only on my 3rd round of clomid, and I fight against the same feelings. What we're going through is just as valid as anyone else, ya know? It's like saying, "Only ONE of my brothers died, I have no right to complain, because there are people who have lost ALL their brothers!" We're all in it together and it's not fair or effective to support each other if we compare and condescend against one another.

ANYHOW. Rambly. The two spaces after a period thing I still do. I didn't know it was antiquated, and I just can't get out of the habit. I even do it in texting. Eugh.

Amanda said...

Almost everyone going through IF that I know (including myself) have had that "irrational" anger at someone who got pregnant so easily. I still have that wave of anger when I find out another cousin is expecting. I do like the idea of writing to the co-worker, though.

So two spaces after a period is out of date, now? Oops. (boy do I feel old)

Cassandra said...

I was just going to comment about the two spaces after a period, then noticed Dora beat me to it. After working in publishing, I never type two spaces, and in fact sometimes I do a Find and Replace to get rid of double spaces that other people have typed in a collaborative document. Ha!

I usually avoid Adoption Stories except when I have a morbid need to watch it, but when I do watch, it brings a strange comfort to hear about the couple's long-time infertility, since that's how most of them got there.

You are absolutely right. IF really really sucks.

April said...

I think that Sara said it best. Everyone dealing with IF has some sort of sucky deal. Everone's story is just a little different. It is great to have these gals to support you so that you can talk about doing those irrational things to the easily inpregnanted colleagues instead of actually doing them. :)

Celia said...

I also torment/reward/indulge myself with Adoption Stories. You are not being too depressing. It's your blog, for your feelings. If you edit yourself there, how will you get any relief?

I do agree about the infertility glow, I am starting to be able to pick my fellow IFs out.

GreenEggsNHam said...

Personally, I am two-space girl myself. Antiquated or not, it's my preference.

About the adoption-look.... I wonder if I have it? I bet I do...

Angry Infertile said...

I can't imagine living child free after infertility. I hope neither of us have to.r