Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the people out there who left comments and messages. Infertility must come with some sort of sixth sense - how did all of you know that today was going to be the day when my best friend told me she is pregnant? I cried all the way home because instead of being happy for her I am utterly devastated. I feel like I'm drowning. She teaches in the classroom next to mine so I can't just gracefully avoid her for the next nine months. I'm going to have to watch her get bigger and bigger and hear all about her pregnancy at staff meetings.
Recently I came across a book with a pie chart that showed how infertility can take over your identity. I had three major components to my identity before this started: wife, teacher, and friend. I feel like I've lost all three now that she is pregnant. I already felt like a failure as a wife because I can't have a baby and our sex life has been obliterated. Now I am a failure as a friend. I can't even look her in the eye because I am so ashamed of how jealous I am and I don't want her to see me crying. Since she is my coworker, her pregnancy means that infertility is taking over my teacher identity, too. This year I've been throwing myself into my work and I didn't realize until now that I counted on school to be the place where I could forget all this crap and feel good about myself.
I guess its time to get some hobbies.
So thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who came to this site and left comments. They saved me. I'm looking forward to being able to return the favor.