Last week sucked. Big time. I am not proud to say it but I was a dreadful teacher last week. I didn't murder any of my students but I was definitely not all sunshine and sweetness. I really haven't let my infertility come to work with me before, but having a beaming pregnant lady next door made it hard to keep my composure.
I delivered my letter to my friend on Wednesday. I got a card back from her on Thursday. The note inside was nice but it did not make me feel much better. I wasn't really expecting it to. I only saw her once last week - she was coming out of the bathroom (those damn pregnant ladies - rubbing it in by peeing all the time!) and she said hello. At least she is giving me the space I need. I hope this gets easier soon because I really do miss her.
After a week of watching me cry myself senseless, DH decided it was time for a weekend getaway. He splurged and got us a fancy hotel room in a charming little town in the western part of the state. It was only a two hour drive but it felt as different as if we'd been on the moon. There were beautiful rolling hills and farmhouses and cows and every second of it was just so wonderful. I actually felt like myself for the first time in months. I really had forgotten who I am and it was so nice to laugh again and enjoy spending time with my husband.
While we were gone we came up with a plan. After the school year is over we are dedicating ourselves 100% to infertility. That means we get whatever jobs we need to get in order to have the right insurance. If we get pregnant, great. If we don't, then we are going to sell everything we have and leave the country. Since we're getting hosed on the parenthood front we've decided not to let any of our other dreams fall by the wayside. We've always talked about joining the Peace Corps so maybe we'll do that.
As it turns out its a very good thing that I'm not too attached to my job. Apparently my boss is freaking out now that my friend is pregnant. We had a sub lined up to cover my maternity leave should I ever need to take it but now she is going to cover my friend's leave. My boss seems to think that hell might freeze over and that I might get pregnant too, requiring two leaves back to back. She has started hinting that my contract might not be renewed if I'm not willing to agree to stop trying for a few years so that parents won't be upset by all the turnover. Last year when this happened I was very upset about it. This year I really could care less.
And now I must go. DH is home and I am determined to be a good wife this week.
3 comments:
I'm so glad that you got away for the weekend! Go DH!
What is up with this boss? I have never heard of people being so demanding when it comes to their employee's reproductive lives. Seriously? A new job may just be in order just for that reason!
your weekend sounds amazing. good job DH! Aren't they wonderful (at times)? =)
I'm glad you've got a plan to follow your dreams (as a backup). Hopefully you wont have to go to your back up plan, but its nice to have another goal. My goal (something to focus on other than TTC) is to do more traveling next year if this TTC thing doesn't work out for me.
I have been catching up on your blog and wanted to say I so know where you are coming from. I haven't had all that much done in the way of treatments, but with my miscarriages we have been at it for 2.5 years with nothing to show for it but an extra 10 lbs and a load of bitterness.
The worst part in this whole experience? One of my best friends at work found out she was pregnant the same time as my first pregnancy. Our babies would have been born a week apart. I remember one day last February coming home from work and going to bed sobbing violently. Hubby was completely at a loss and didn't know what to do with me. I have been better since but there was one day about a month ago she brought her son to work. I didn't know she was there and another woman we worked with was carrying him. When I asked her where the kid came from, she told me it was Sam's and I totally lost my breath. I stared at him realizing that is how big my baby would have been. It was like the wind was knocked out of me and the rug pulled out from underneath me. Sam is actually very sensitive to my 'delicate state' and really doesn't talk to me about him a lot so it is nice for me but I feel sad that I am such a bad friend she can't even talk to me about her son.
On a side note, my word verification is "burp." This is the first time my word verification has spelled something!
Nice to meet you, BTW . . .
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