Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Quick Note Before I Start My Therapy Homework

Just got back from therapy. I have "homework" that is going to be pretty time consuming and emotionally draining so I'm afraid I'll have to rip myself away from the computer for the rest of the evening. I was hoping to spend tonight visiting more blogs and trying to spruce up this page with links but I think it will have to wait until tomorrow.

Today turned out to be harder than yesterday. I woke up to a radio commercial about the local birthing center. The alarm clock got a well deserved thrashing. And then at work - more pregnant people! A little girl in my class gave me the "mommy has a baby in her tummy" news. I'm not friends with her mother so its not a huge deal - just proof that this follows me everywhere.

I couldn't bring myself to talk to or even make eye contact with my friend today. Its very obvious that I'm avoiding her and I know she thinks I am angry with her. Well, I am angry at her. Irrational anger, yes, but I'm rolling with it right now because the alternative is uncontrollable sobbing and I just cannot take the chance that I might lose it in a room full of small children. So I am doing the best I can in the present moment but I am not at all proud of the way I am dealing with this. It might take a week or two but I am determined to summon the courage to get through this gracefully and compassionately.

So therapy rocked my world. And I have homework tonight. Here it is:

1. Write that letter to my friend explaining that I'm avoiding her out of self-preservation.
2. Spend some quality time with DH.
3. Find a hobby.
4. Get some Xanax.

Yes, Xanax. I'm not sure how I feel about that one. Don't get me wrong - I would love to get all sleepy and drooly and obliterate huge chunks of short term memory. I'm just afraid that it would be addictive. I took Klonopin during an especially tough week in college when my parents were divorcing. A few weeks later I started getting term papers back that I had no recollection of researching or writing. I went to movies that I couldn't tell you the first thing about. Wiping this week from my mind is way too tempting. Of course, now that I have this blog I could just come back here and relive the suckiness whenever I wanted to. And I wouldn't have to worry about renting the same movie twice.

Oh well. I'll have a little while to decide about the Xanax. In the meantime I am putting off writing this letter.

Thanks for all your support in the last few days. I'm looking forward to returning the favor. Of course I wish none of you were suffering with infertility, but boy do I appreciate the company!


B said...

hey, I just started my blog. It's not very difficult to "spruce" up the page. Blogger makes it very easy and user friendly with the "gadgets" attachments. =) Good luck with homework. Hmm, hobby ideas --- book reading, exercise?

Amanda said...

Good luck with your homework!

Xanax has saved me on more than one occasion in my life. I did just a high enough does to take the edge off, but not enough to knock me out.

April said...

I have to say that I hated homework when I was going through therapy at the beginning of my diagnosis. I always felt that my therapist gave me weird stuff to do instead of things that I felt would help my coping. I felt that I needed to go through therapy to learn how to interact with people again and how to be nice to pregnant ladies when I was going through chemo as a direct result of me being pregnant. I had to write so many damn letters....and as much as I hated the process, in hindsight I can say that it helped. It helps you clarify your feelings. And in the letter it is okay to say something totally stupid, because this is your place to say it...to realize it...and to sort through those feelings. :)

xanax is okay if you use it intermittently and when you need it, but it may not be necessary every day or for an extended period of time. only your feelings and body can tell you that.

:) hugs